No more coffee at night time. Sorry, no matter how cold it is inside or out. No. More. Coffee. It's impossible to sleep now as a result. And I have nothing but my wondering thoughts and snoring hubby to keep me company. So I resort to the internet to entertain me until I can finally sleep. Neither the wondering thoughts or the internet are good for me. Sleep is what I need.
On another note, I'm completely amazed and sometimes heartbroken by the things Aiden says. Just yesterday he began telling me how much he misses Clayton, Vivian, and Colben - All good friends that have moved away. Then he tells me "I know I won't get to see them anymore, but I will always remember them. They were my best friends and I won't forget them." It breaks my heart a little. You want to protect them from so much, never to have them feel that pain of separation. There is so little in this world that you can protect them from and even less that you can control no matter how hard you try. So you have to let them grow and that means experiencing all of the bitter sweetness life has to offer.
A little later as we were in the car, he breaks the silence with "Mom, I trust God." It's said with such earnest and honesty. As adults we long for a feeling of trust that is that clear - a thought not confused or smudged by doubt, by life, by the past, by the disappointment of the world. How do we find that clarity again? Is it lost with childhood? And it's not only trust in God that's blurred. Our ideas of love... hasn't they changed as well? Not so perfect? Not quit what you thought it would really be? Not saying that's bad. But once upon a time, the idea of love was so clear to me. And now... It's there, but it doesn't come with the crispness and clarity that it use to have. I try to tell myself that it is because it's no longer new. But what we believe love is has been tainted as well by our experiences.
A therapist told me once that my expectations were too high. I stopped going the next week, insulted that he didn't think I deserve what I thought I needed - that I would have to sacrifice what I thought happiness looked like in order to really be happy. But in a sense, it was probably the most truthful thing ever said to me. Yeah, my standards are/were a little high for myself, for experiences, and for others. What I've discovered is that when I learn to let go of these expectations, I find more happiness in myself. The trick is learning to let go but also knowing when not to.
Yes, these are random and somewhat depressing thoughts... We'll blame it on the coffee and the lateness of the hour. But it's enough to let me sleep a little tonight. Promise happy pictures soon!
2 comments:
I can relate to your last couple of posts...it's hard to put a finger on exactly what it is...I think somewhere everything blurs and complication becomes the name of the game.
As for Aiden...It's our responsibility to let them be little for as long as we can. Because there is no going back to that innocence.
I sense a struggle in your growth but growth it is and a good thing. Becoming a parent and being responsible for another human being (s) is an eye opening experience and also a humble one. You truly begin to appreciate what your parents have gone thru and what they have sacrificed. We all have our hopes, dreams and fears for our kids and ourselves and reality is that all to often we feel we put our lives on hold until our kids are grown. All the while we are all still on a journey and are still learing and growing....yes, even when your kids are grown! I love you all, I honor each of you, and I give you my heart. Mom
From Mom: Aunt Ginny (your mom's Godmother) told me after Henri was born that I needed to grow up. I had seven kids and she figured by that I was grown. Hal was 21 at that time and I certainly thought I had been through enough to be called an adult. However, after Henri grew up and became a teenager, I realized I had not grown up as much as I thought I had and it cost me emotionally and physically. I learned how to deal with things as they come under very difficult circumstances. I hope I have grown. I am proud of my family. I love my family - all of them to include grandchildren and great grandchildren, more than I ever thought I could or would. I appreciate what my grandmother must have felt in raising 15 children. Thinking of my grandmother and extended family have helped me to grow a many a day. Aunt Helen told me that I needed to grow up after Buddy was born. I kind of resented that but now understand what she was talking about.
You have done well with your son and your family and I am proud of you. I will never forget having been there when you were born. It was a privilege as well as a happy moment. I am proud of your mom and sisters. I take thoughts of you with me all the time and I love you very much. Granny
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