I don't write because I feel like a big ball of contradiction and conflictedness. And typically my conflictedness comes with the gifted ability to piss someone off. Sweet skill, huh?
But what I'm slowly learning though is that people don't really want to know what your thinking when it's not the happy, happy, joy, joy types of feelings. So, then you learn to keep all these thing to yourself but eventually they start to get you. And you find yourself not wanting to say anything because anything is too much. And it's difficult to stop once you've started.
And to make it worse, my conflicted contradictions seem to be about those closest to me. No, I'm not talking about you, promise ;-) But I have issues with the SAHM, the working mom, with work, school, church, with family, even with the weather...
And what I find is that it really comes down to ALL the roles. Too many hats and my head's not the right size for any of them. Meaning that I don't fit any of them well. So, at the end of the day I give everything and accomplish nothing, always feeling as if I've failed, fallen short (no pun...), typically leaving one relationship behind.
So, what's a girl to do? Whoever said you could do it all never actually had to do it all. It's great in theory but try putting it into practice.
I guess what makes it worse is that in the end, there is nothing I can do. I just keep trudging on but in the meantime how do you keep from feeling empty and lost?
For those of you that don't like to hear me whine, I'm going to post a bunch of pics to make up for it. :-) Your welcome!
But what I'm slowly learning though is that people don't really want to know what your thinking when it's not the happy, happy, joy, joy types of feelings. So, then you learn to keep all these thing to yourself but eventually they start to get you. And you find yourself not wanting to say anything because anything is too much. And it's difficult to stop once you've started.
And to make it worse, my conflicted contradictions seem to be about those closest to me. No, I'm not talking about you, promise ;-) But I have issues with the SAHM, the working mom, with work, school, church, with family, even with the weather...
And what I find is that it really comes down to ALL the roles. Too many hats and my head's not the right size for any of them. Meaning that I don't fit any of them well. So, at the end of the day I give everything and accomplish nothing, always feeling as if I've failed, fallen short (no pun...), typically leaving one relationship behind.
So, what's a girl to do? Whoever said you could do it all never actually had to do it all. It's great in theory but try putting it into practice.
I guess what makes it worse is that in the end, there is nothing I can do. I just keep trudging on but in the meantime how do you keep from feeling empty and lost?
For those of you that don't like to hear me whine, I'm going to post a bunch of pics to make up for it. :-) Your welcome!
4 comments:
I think everyone feels that way. I believe that no one goes to bed at night thinking "man I did everything 100% today". It's just not possible. As Mother's we always feel like we are letting at least one, if not 10, people down. There's not a night that goes by that I don't think - I should have emailed this person or spent more time with child #blank. You can't do everything..it's not physically possible...and the people that say it is and their life is great? They're big fat liars. :-)
Hugs
From my perspective, you're a WONDERFUL mom and friend. And I'm not just trying to make you feel better. I really love Aiden. He's smart and sweet and funny. He's not too shy and he's not too rowdy and I love the stuff he says. I'm sure you make people mad, but you're a wonderful friend to me and have never made me irritated at you :)
I was glad to see you update this no matter what you say. All of us are different...all interpret life differently. Fortunately we are not in a constant state of "limbo".
Someday you can read journels of mine and most likely read the same frustration. I tried hard to be all things to all people and really learned all it got me was a lot of frustration. Focus on one thing a day to do well... and even if you do not accomplish it you tried and in the end that is what counts. Do not ever give up! You do a lot more good than you know and Aiden is a really good kid...he has ups and downs like the rest of us. And yes I am prejudice and proud of it. Love you. gigi
I so feel your pain! I often find myself tormented by all the things that still need to be done at 11pm, or trying to remember what needs to be done tormorrow or next week. I think I spend more time focused on what I didn't get to, didn't do well on, or MUST do "right" tomorrow to where I forget to live for today. :( I call those my Jessie Spano moments. I know you remember "Saved By the Bell" It's the one where she goes crazy on caffeine pills to do everything and has a nervous breakdown......Just know that you are not alone. :) At least you can admit that there are days when your *Supermom* hat is on backwards!
Post a Comment