It's Not You, It's Me

[Advisory: I've debated creating another blog for these types of post. But here's the deal - this is me. Sure, I wanna share the cute stories (they are cute, aren't they?) and pictures of the family, but I want to write about the real things and not the postcard picture of my life. So, I'm laying it all out on one blog - the good, the bad, and the shameless because that's how I roll. ...ugh, never thought I'd actually say that...]

Two weeks ago, we began a small group study with our church. I have hopes of building ties and connections, making the church our home. It's been a good experience, as I'm not sure if I've ever been involved in any type of Bible study since the days of Sunday School. However, I spend a great deal of the time feeling inadequate in my Biblical knowledge and even in my faith.

We are studying 1 John. And the question has been posed: Am I Enough For You? Is God enough for us? Enough that we can put our complete faith in him, letting go of all else. But it's hard to let go - To take that step to release it all to him, to trust, to know what you are letting go to, to let him carry you.

Am I there? Nooo. Even people who are must still struggle to let him lead. Just as humans (or maybe Americans), it's our nature to lead, to want power, control to set our destiny. But it's greater than us.

But the question has been weighing on my mind. Am I Enough For You? ... Am. I. enough. for. you? It occurred to me tonight that the reason this has bothered me so much is because to me, it's not a matter of whether He is enough for me, but am I enough for him? Am I worthy of such love? Is my life worthy of that type of unconditional, never ending love? Do I deserve love like that?

In most, ...no all... areas of my life, I question this daily. Am I enough as a Wife? Mother? Daughter? Sister? Friend? Worker? And the doubt does not stop there.

So God, it's not you, it's me. But you're not the only one I'm failing. I feel as though I fail my family, my husband, my son, my friends, myself. But why? Or how? Why do I fail myself? How do I change what and who I am?

Recently, I read the lyrics of a song, Beautiful by Bethany Dillon.

I want to be beautiful

Make you stand in awe

Look inside my heart,

and be amazed

I want to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

Just want to be worthy of love

And beautiful

Doesn't a part of you just want to know that for once who you are and what you do IS enough. If you could just hear these words from your mom, husband, child... If you could just hear these words and believe them. If you could tell this to yourself and know it to be true. In the end, the one thing I must accept is that God loves me as I am now, that I am enough for him. But that seems so difficult to accept when the rest of the world feels out of whack.

And I'll leave you with the last verse of the song and a little You Tube action.

You make me beautiful

You make me stand in awe

You step inside my heart,

and I am amazed

I love to hear You say

Who I am is quite enough

You make me worthy of love and beautiful